Nuadha's Tale

Ignorance can be tolerated, where reason is left free to combat it. -Thomas Jefferson

Friday, January 16, 2004

Ordering Pizza in the World of Homeland Security
A friend emailed me this:

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut May I have your order?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order for delivery please."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "oh sure, My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366.
Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302
and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling
from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your
All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got
very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
We could get in alot of trouble if they found out that we put that
order through... somehow they always dooooo!

Customer: "Geez, What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm
sure you'll like it"

Customer: "Ugh,what makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from
your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "Ok sir, two family sized pizzas should be plenty for your
wife, Linda, and your two kids. Are the step-children home tonight??
If so, I would recommend another large. I see here that Linda has full
custody of her older two from her previous marriage."

Customer: No, this is their weekend with their Dad...uh, hey,
how do you know all this? Just give me the total for the pizzas!

Operator: "It's Just what's in the system sir! OK, your total
damage comes to $49.95."

Customer: "Hold up, Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in
cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account
was overdrawn as of this afternoon. I see here that your paycheck w
on't clear until Monday."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up
while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a Harley
can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in default on your car payments,
so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just
assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free
liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause
prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. I also
see that Dr Schwartz told you to cut back on your sugar
intake at your last checkup. I will put two spring waters
aside for you. See you when you get here!"


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