BUSH IS PERFECT, WHITE HOUSE REVEALS
First Flawless Person in History, Experts Believe


President George W. Bush received some much needed good news
today as the White House revealed conclusive evidence that
the President is perfect.

"After reviewing his actions since entering the White House
in 2001, we have come to the conclusion that the President is
perfect," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. "And we
believe that his perfection may date back even further than
that, possibly to his date of birth."

Mr. Bush responded to the news of his perfection with
self-effacing modesty, Mr. McClellan said, "which is exactly
how you'd expect a perfect person to react."

"He said he would move mountains to find some flaw that would
make him less than perfect," Mr. McClellan said, adding that
the President could, in fact, move mountains.

Mr. McClellan then distributed to the press copies of a
bowling score-sheet attributed to the President which showed
Mr. Bush bowling a perfect score of 300.

In the aftermath of the White House's announcement, experts
in the field of human perfection expressed astonishment at
the news of Mr. Bush's flawlessness.

"We've always operated on the presumption that nobody is
perfect," said Dr. David Stemmins of the University of
Minnesota. "If these revelations are true, that would make
President Bush the first perfect person in history."

Not so, says Mr. McClellan: "Condoleezza Rice, Donald
Rumsfeld, and John Ashcroft are also perfect."

In other news, Barry Bonds's home-run heroics were
overshadowed yesterday when President Bush produced his 660th
reason for invading Iraq.
-From The Borowitz Report